


The Queens of the Desert

by merkuria



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-17
Updated: 2010-03-17
Packaged: 2017-10-08 01:38:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/71366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merkuria/pseuds/merkuria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mission goes well but there's a but. Bones yells, Jim ogles, Spock remains logical. The crew speculates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Queens of the Desert

Kirk decided that all things considered, it went rather well.

 

 

They were unharmed, relatively safe, and managed to retrieve the device. Yes, looking at all that could have happened, things were definitely good. At least until he made the mistake of sharing his observation with the others.

 

 

"So, things are good, I'd say."

 

 

Spock merely looked at him. There might have been some increased eyebrow action involved, but since Kirk wasn't yet fluent in Eyebrow, he decided to take it as a yes, if a rather reluctant one. Bones, however -

 

 

"Goddamnit Jim, have you gone completely, certifiably insane? Because God help me, you sure sound like it!" Bones yelled, his complexion moving from healthy tan to a rather pronounced shade of purple, which as Kirk knew from experience, wasn't something you wanted to remark upon out loud. Not if you weren't a fan of hypos.

 

 

"Good? We're stranded in the middle of fucking nowhere! We have no communication, no idea how to get back to the ship, and I seem to recall Uhura warning us that this place was crawling with creatures that have far too many teeth. Oh, and in case you've forgotten – we're stark naked!"

 

 

Well yes, there was that.

 

 

***  
An hour and – as Spock solemnly informed them – 1.3 miles later, they found themselves in largely unchanged circumstances, except for one small, though admittedly _colourful_ development. One that Kirk felt would not go unremarked for much longer. In fact, judging by the violence with which Bones stomped and plucked at his waist –

 

 

"Good God man, this is insufferable!"

 

 

Up until that time Kirk did his best not to look at Bones. The reasons not to look at Bones were many and varied, and roughly coincided with the reasons not to look at Spock. They involved naked body parts, muscles, and skin. Lots of skin. And while James T. Kirk was definitely not _that _sort of a man, he was still human – if you discounted that little accident on Vegas V – and he had his limits.

 

 

But now there was nothing for it, so Kirk stopped arranging his, well, whatever the hell it was, and looked at Bones. Who was currently standing a little to the left with hands full of purple, pink and yellow fluff. The same fluff that was loosely hanging around his waist and hips, held together with a piece of flexible twig.

 

 

Several pieces of the thing, or rather the flower of a local plant, as Spock assured them, were draped loosely around Bones' thighs, doing very little to hide what they were supposed to hide, and Kirk felt an acute sense of being wronged. Of course, Spock, who was standing next to Bones, chose exactly that moment to face away from Kirk and bend down.

 

 

Kirk's sense of unfairness of the universe crystallized. But whatever evil the universe had in store for him, he was still the captain and had his duties. Like taming rabid CMOs.

 

 

"Now Bones, I know that you don't like it, and believe me, I'm not thrilled either, but Spock is right and you know it. This planet's sun is much stronger than Earth's, and we've got to cover ourselves, at least some parts. Could you try to be a little more… doctorly about it?"

 

 

The moment Kirk said that he knew it was entirely the wrong thing to say.

 

 

"Oh, _doctorly_. Sure Jim, why not. Let me just recall a class where they taught us how to walk around goddamn deserts dressed in itchy feathers, looking _doctorly_. Must have been the medical drag classes that I skipped! For all I know this plant is poisonous and we're all gonna die a slow and ugly death, starting with our dicks falling off!"

 

 

"Doctor," Kirk was saved from replying, "I assure you that the plant is completely harmless. I have read a very interesting study on the endemic flora, and you may be confident that neither you, nor the captain, are in any danger, toxicological or otherwise. As this is a desert area, it is in fact the only plant we can use for…"

 

 

"Hanging around our asses, yes Spock, I get that. The only way I can save my butt from burning is by sticking a feather up there."

 

 

"As you are well aware doctor, these are, in fact, flowers." Spock continued, and Kirk had never been more happy to have him as his first officer. "While indeed, they resemble feathers of certain Earth animals, the similarity is only superficial." Spock explained while arranging a particularly unruly piece of brilliant magenta – "When you have finished covering yourselves please help me dig out some roots, we are going to need them."

 

 

This got Kirk interested. "Roots? Why do we need the roots?"

 

 

Spock told them.

 

 

***  
"Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me!"

 

 

"Negative, doctor. The juice from the root offers highly effective sun protection. I'm sure I don't need to tell you how sensitive human skin is. And while the flowers provide a somewhat effective cover for your –

 

 

"Goddamnit, Spock! If I hear you say _genital area_ one more time, I'm going to make sure yours is out of commission for a bloody long time!" Bones was dangerously red again, and Kirk thought, not for the first time that day, that it didn't really do much to make him any less attractive. He was beginning to think that nothing would.

 

 

"That is an illogical reaction, doctor." Spock countered calmly and turned to Kirk – "Captain, if you could please convince the doctor that it is the only reasonable solution."

  
Kirk, who had spent the past several minutes watching between Bones and Spock, contemplating how the pinks and yellows of Bones' cover were a far better choice compared to Spock's somewhat clashing purples and magentas, missed everything that was said.

 

 

"What? Ah, yes, of course Mr. Spock, you're right. Bones, it's no time to argue, we'll do as Spock says."

 

 

"Jim! Have you even looked at it? Look at it! You can't possibly expect me to cover myself with something that – "

 

 

"That's quite enough Bones, we're doing it and that's the end of it."

 

 

***  
They were finally found several hours later by Sulu who was scanning the planet surface ever since they had failed to report at the agreed time.

 

 

The stories that circulated among the crew of the Enterprise for years to come varied greatly, but one thing was certain – doctor McCoy, commander Spock, and captain Kirk were found in the desert exhausted, dressed in some sort of scant female clothing, and covered head to toe in a thick layer of sticky glitter.

 

 

Chekov claimed that it was an old Russian tradition of male bonding, with men going out into the desert, where they ate plants, hugged each other, and talked to the spirits; Gaila insisted that she recognised that particular brand of glittered lube and congratulated the captain on such a desirable and obviously fulfilling threesome – after all, the bruises said it all. Uhura sat at the communications station, her lips a thin line, muttering something about bastards and dogs in several languages.

 

 

Spock stood at the bridge with his back straight, unmoved, and Bones hyposprayed the entire ship.

 

 

Kirk couldn't shake off the feeling that the universe hated him. The sentiment was mutual.


End file.
